She Has Been Denied Her Freedom to Marry

From Full Marriage Equality:

I'm 37, I live in the eastern US, I am the mother of one son, he's 18 and will be 19 in March. I work in commercial real estate. My son is in college. I currently live alone, my son stays with me on weekends.

[...] I became pregnant at 18, and gave birth shortly after I was 19. I decided to give him up for adoption shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I don't believe in abortion and knew I couldn't raise him on my own. I was only with his father for one night. I'm not proud of that, and it bothers me to think I can't tell my son about his father, because I don't know much about him myself.

[...] He was asked by his adoptive parents if he wanted to know about his biological mother and he told them he did. They told him my name and he searched for me when he was about 17. It took him a year but when he found my address he sent a letter and then we talked on the phone and by email. We arranged to meet when he had a week off from school in the spring.

[...] I was nervous. We had talked on the phone and by email for several months, but I was still anxious. I had all these thoughts going through my head. What do I say? What should I do? The day before he arrived at times I was so nervous I was shaking. He arrived at my house earlier than planned; he was supposed to get there the next day, so when I opened the door, I didn't expect it would be him. When I saw him, all my worry just vanished in an instant. I was so happy to finally meet him I couldn't stop talking or sit still for a second.

[...] I realized soon after I met him how handsome I thought he was. At first I thought, of course you think he's handsome, he's your son, all mothers feel that way. Later on I started realizing I didn't just think he was handsome, I thought he was sexy. At first I put the idea in the back of my mind, and didn't want to acknowledge it. But I was acting on it, I was actually flirting with him. I would do whatever I thought was sexy, I would flip my hair, or lick my lips. I was even wearing more revealing clothing and trying to push my breasts out or show my legs whenever I was near him. And I was touching him, a lot, I would hold his hand, or rub his arm or leg, and when we would hug I was trying to pull him into me. But even though I was doing all this, I wasn't considering sex with him; well not consciously. [...] I wanted him to find me desirable. [...] I just wanted to have this particular man in me, because I wanted who he is, deep inside of who I am, in every way possible, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I knew only sex could bring us together in that way.

I don't know if he was considering sex before it happened, although he's told me he found me very attractive when we met, and he was struggling with his feelings because he thought I was hot, and felt guilty for feeling that way.

We both finally acted on our feelings about a week after we first met. He was staying with me at my house, and he was going to bed and I was giving him a hug goodnight, then he gave me a kiss. It was on the lips, but it was quick enough to be totally innocent. Then we were looking at each other for a few seconds and we kissed again, only this time it was long and very passionate.

[...] The feelings I had the first time are hard to describe: a mixture of excitement and nervousness. It was a lot like the way I felt when I lost my virginity. My head was reeling with desire and emotion, and one half of my brain had all these questions like, Is this really going to happen? Am I ready for this? Should I go through with it? and the other half of my brain was thinking, just relax and enjoy this, it's what you want. I never thought it was possible before that, and once it was possible, the idea of it was so new and strange that I sort of didn't know how to deal with it. But I feel my decision to allow it to happen was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I agree with those people who say it's the best relationship and best sex ever. I totally understand why they think that as well. I see sex as a way to connect with someone in a very meaningful way, and it's the closest physical relationship you can have with a person. So for me, to have that with the person I'm closest to emotionally is literally mind-blowing. I also see sex with my son as therapeutic; I think being separated from a family member creates these psychological and physical wounds. For me, the only thing that helped heal the wounds was the physical and emotional intimacy that comes from sex. And I truly understand the term making love, because I feel that's what we're really doing. I admit sometimes it's fun, and maybe a little erotic, but it's never just sex, it's always "making love". Another woman said that being intimate with her son gave her this “sense of being fulfilled” and I know what she means. I felt the same way, my whole life I had lost all the men I loved, all of my past relationships had failed, I was getting older and for a while I didn't think I would ever find love. But the moment he entered me I knew I found the love I had been missing.

[...] We have been together for a little less than a year. Our relationship is stronger than any other I've had. It gets better every day, because our relationship is new enough that we discover something new almost everyday, but it's been going on long enough so we both know what the other likes and we're comfortable enough with each other and not afraid to be ourselves.

[...] I see us as both [family and partners]. I see him as my son, and I want to take care of him, and want the best for him, and I also see him as my lover, and when he's not around I miss him, and fantasize about him. In the same day I think about making his favorite food for dinner, because I want to do something nice for my son, and I think about wearing something sexy for him later when we're in bed.

[...] I realize most people would find the idea of sex with a family member very strange and repulsive. But for me, the fact that he's my son doesn't hinder the intimacy, in fact, I think because of the deep emotional bond we have, it enhances the intimacy. Most people realize sex with someone you love is so much greater than sex with someone you don't, and there's no man on Earth I love more than him, and when we make love all those feelings I have just rush to the surface, and the emotions seem to increase the physical sensations. It's beyond incredible. Sex with other men was like running through sprinklers in summer, sex with my son is like jumping into a cold pool on a hot day, every nerve in my body is suddenly awakened and pushed to the edge.

[...] Nobody knows the full nature of our relationship. Part of me hates that. I want to tell everyone, because I'm so happy with him, and I love him so much and it bothers me that I have to keep something so great a secret, like the greatest thing to ever happen to me is something to be ashamed of. And part of me would prefer to keep it secret because I know it's so much easier and safer for both of us that way.

[...] We have gone on little vacations as a couple, and will act like a couple if we're someplace where nobody knows us. A woman I befriended on one of these trips just assumed we were a couple from our behavior, and because I'm twice my son's age, she complimented me on being unafraid to date a younger man. We kept in touch and I want to tell her the truth about us, but am afraid of losing her friendship.

[...] We're careful to avoid physical contact if we're with anyone who knows us, or in public near my home. I think the secrecy is the biggest disadvantage about the relationship; I hate the sneaking around.

[...] That is so far from the truth[, that I am preying on him]. I actually talked with my son about his feelings after we were together, he said he was never happier. He changed his life to move closer to me, and ended his relationship with his girlfriend at the time because he knew he wanted to be with me more than anyone. We were also both adults when this started, our relationship is as far from child abuse as rape is from consensual sex.

[...] Yes, [I would marry him] in an instant.

[...] To those who know someone who has these feelings, try not to be judgmental. I know society has this thing that says it's wrong to even think this way, but don't listen to that, think about how you feel about that person. Are they a good person? Do you care about them and love them? If so, that's more important than what society thinks, and hopefully it will help you be more sympathetic to their feelings.