This is an excellent piece. I'm glad that I could have such a positive impact on changing someone's world view. That is, after all, the point of this blog.
“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You
take the blue pill — the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe
whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and stay in
Wonderland, and I’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”
-Morpheus,
The Matrix
Perfect metaphor for where this article is going to go. If you want
to swallow the blue pill and keep on with your same views of Norma and
Norman Bates, now’s the time to do it. Go ahead. Take the blue pill.
Otherwise, we’ll be venturing into the underground and exploring a taboo
that runs under the surface of things in this series. We’ll be getting
up close and intimate with it. I can’t and don’t want to resist taking
the red pill when it comes to topics like this. I want to put them under
a magnifying glass. Last chance.
I took a long time before I delved into researching this real-life
phenomena in its various forms. Part of me wanted to, yet another part
was afraid of what I might find. What I did end up finding was
surprising, unexpected, and (remarkably) enlightening. I can safely say I
have a somewhat-altered perspective because this topic contains many,
many different variations of gray–a lot more than I ever would’ve
thought it would.
Some History, Definitions, and Distinctions
Most of us simply define incest as “sexual relations between two
people who are blood-related.” Unfortunately due to the prevalence of
sex crimes against children, incest frequently gets lumped into the same
category. Don’t get me wrong; there are scores of criminal cases were
this does apply. But sometimes: it doesn’t.
Incest falls into two main categories: non-consensual and consensual.
There’s also a third sub-category: genetic sexual attraction, which has
some overlap in definition with consensual incest. But it also has some
different traits according to different individuals’ circumstances, and
every couple’s I’ve read about are different.
There is no way in hell I’d EVER condone non-consensual sex crimes
committed against minor children, whether they’re incestuous or not.
Adults who commit these acts need to be prosecuted ASAP and punished to
the fullest extent of the law if found guilty. Now that’s out of the
way, and it won’t be a further focus of this article. Instead, it’ll be
on consensual intimate relationships between two adults, both over the
age of majority, who happen to be related by blood. This category of
incest is likely the most taboo and the most condemned throughout
virtually every modern society the world over.
Yet like most things involving forbidden sex between adults, we can’t
help but be fascinated by the idea of consensual incest, even as we’re
horrified and repulsed by it at the same time. It’s really a
concentrated example of common attitudes towards sex in general, even
now in the relatively-enlightened 21st century. We’ve all had it drilled
into our heads from the time we were old enough to understand what sex
itself was: Incest is horrid, disgusting, a crime, ad infinidum, and yet
the idea still has that allure of the forbidden. For decades, incest
has shown up over and over in literature, including in classic works by
authors such as
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
- Vladimir Nabokov
- A.S. Byatt
- J.R.R. Tolkien
- Thomas Malory
It wasn’t always so universally condemned; a brief look at ancient
history and mythology will show you just how much attitudes towards
incest have changed over the centuries. The ancient Egyptians considered
incest an acceptable and expected practice, especially among the royal
family as a means of keeping the blood lines pure.
Greek mythology is
rife with incestuous unions. From an anthropological perspective, other
early civilizations viewed incestuous marriages as a practical way of
putting an end to disputes (and often wars) between rival villages or
tribes when a son from one and a daughter from the other happened to
fall in love and wished to marry. The resulting conflicts were bloody
and expensive, in terms of human lives, crops, livestock, etc., The
practice of incest became adopted in order to avoid them, so there was
an economic practicality to it in this sense.
Incest From a Clinical and Legal Perspective
Consensual intimate partnerships between blood relatives are now
subject to punishment by the same types of laws put in place to protect
minors from sexual abuse-whether by coercion, manipulation, or both.
While those laws have their definite and justifiable purpose, they often
fail to recognize the difference of incestuous relationships that two
willing adults have entered of their own volition. In many reported
cases, the couples have reported strong romantic attachments and
commitments to one another. They also (rather justifiably) feel unduly
persecuted for who they happened to fall in love with. These have
included full-blood brother/sister, half-brother/half-sister, cousins,
and yes: even parent/adult-child pairings. A number of these cases have
made news headlines throughout Europe, Asia, North America, and
Australia. In several of these consensual unions, one or both parties
have been imprisoned and have fought back against existing anti-incest
laws in their respective countries.
Laws against consensual incest stem from both various religious
teachings and from fears over genetic defects in the children of a
consensual-incest couple. Recent genetic research has uncovered
higher-than-average chances of genetic abnormalities, but those
percentages are lower than many medical researchers initially thought.
According to author Diane Rinella’s research:
“Children of unrelated parents have a 3% to 4% risk of having serious
birth defects. The offspring of first cousins have only a slightly
higher risk of about 4% to 7%. The risk for the closest relation possible, parent/child, is only about 9%, all other factors being random. So between 7% and 9% are the odds for siblings.”
9%. Made me sit back and think for a while.
Blogger Keith Pullman
takes it a step further and proposes that consensual incest between two
loving partners needs to renamed, redefined, and decriminalized. In an
ideal world, the stigma and discrimination would be removed from it as
well. While a lot of his writings make logical arguments, some of the
specifics do make me somewhat uncomfortable. That fact has made me take a
good long look in the mirror (so to speak) at my own preconceived
notions and prejudices. It made me ask myself exactly why I have them to
begin with. Even so, I’m willing to listen, read, learn, and think
things over. That’s what constitutes having an open mind despite a few
misgivings. This blog is a treasure trove of eye-opening information
that’s likely to make you question a lot. It did for me.
Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA)
The phenomenon of GSA has been recognized since the 1980s, when it
was noticed repeatedly by the founder of a support group for adults who
had been adopted when very young and were now reunited with their birth
families. In about 50% of all these cases, one person will experience
strong sexual/romantic attractions towards a blood relative that he or
she didn’t grow up with. The main difference between GSA and
consanguinamory is that two relatives involved in a GSA situation have
never met one another until adulthood. They may have even never known
one another existed until the birth family was tracked down and they
were able to meet. Psychologists and sociologists point to the absence
of the Westermark Effect, which dictates that growing up together
negates the development of sexual attraction. The lack of early
connection leads to an absence of the Westermark Effect and therefore
the potential for developing these feelings is there.
Some documented cases of GSA have involved attraction between
biological parents and the adult children they’d adopted out. It’s also
occurred between biological siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, or
cousins. As Pullman
points out, “Add in emotional and psychological factors involved in
reuniting with a lost family member, and you have something extremely
powerful.”
Consanguinamory
Now I’ve finally gotten around to this phenomena of consensual
incest, also known as “ethical incest” or “neocest”, depending on who
you ask and on their point of view. Personally, I’m going with
“consanguinamory.” I like the sound and Latin roots of it, if for no
other reason. Consanguinamory is defined as sexual/romantic love between
close genetic relatives. This couple is considered consaguinamourous if
they’re involved in a consensual intimate relationship and both are
considered legal adults (age 18 in most countries, though this can vary
slightly).
Just exactly how common is consanguinamory? Exact numbers are unknown, but the consensus: more common than you might think.
Some researchers venture that most of us have at least known in passing
someone who’s been involved in consanguinamory at some point. We just
never knew it. That’s also really given me pause for consideration. Just
think for a minute all the casual acquaintances you’ve had, how many
people you’ve passed on the street, in the school hallway, or elsewhere.
The odds are one of those people, some time, somewhere, was/is involved
in consanguinamory at some point in their lives. Unless we’re
clairvoyant, we’d never have any way of knowing for sure.
Returning to the Westermark Effect for a minute, sometimes it doesn’t
take to everyone. When two close relatives have grown up together or
one has raised the other, just sometimes it isn’t strong enough to
negate feelings of romantic love and sexual attraction once both are
adults. These feelings have even higher chances of surfacing with the
two have already developed a close, loving, familial/platonic
relationship. Why does the Westermark Effect sometimes fail? No one
knows for sure, but it does happen. In real life and possibly now on our
TV screens for 10 weeks out of the year.
Consanguinamory On Our Screens
Whether some want to acknowledge it or not, TV series in general have
become the new “literature” for many of us. The stories, when told
well, have just as powerful a hold on us. Some might decry this; I
personally celebrate it and give it just as much legitimacy. I’m
venturing that “Bates Motel” may well be the first real mainstream
portrayal of consanguinamory depicted on our TV screens. And this is a
big contributing factor in why the series has gotten such a grip on so
many of us in such a short time–regardless if we want to openly admit
it.
I made the mistake of assuming consanguinamory hadn’t ever been
depicted in movies or TV before, but we know what often happens when we
assume things. Some films that dare to go there include:
More about these films and about some (sadly rather limited) documentaries on GSA and consanguinamory can be found on The Final Manifesto.
It’d be difficult to find anyone who lives anywhere with TV and
Internet access who has never heard of this controversial A&E
series. In only two seasons, as of this writing, it’s garnered a
dedicated and passionate fanbase. As you’d expect, the
“too-close-for-comfort” relationship between this famous mother/son
pairing has sparked endless commentary and discussion. Some fans even
venture the opinion that “The Oedipal angle is really the only reason to
watch ‘Bates Motel’.” Not surprisingly, many fans have a conflicting
attraction/repulsion, mental push/pull reaction to the idea of a
consanguinamorous relationship unfolding between these two. Even as some
have no idea what consanguinamory is, and I included myself in that
group before I did the research for this post.
So what might this say for consanguinamory and its place in our
cultural landscape? Some writers like Keith Pullman might suggest it
indicates a small step towards a little more acceptance of it. Myself:
I’m not really sure about that–but I see where others are coming from if
they believe it. I think this: regardless of anyone’s views on
consanguinamory, its very presence or suggestion is going to cause a
stir. It’s going to stick in your mind and be quite difficult to get rid
of (at least in my experience). Going back to what I mentioned about
the attraction/repulsion psychological effect, many of us can’t look
away from images of Norma and Norman getting close in a non-platonic
way, even as they make us squirm. It says as much about us as it does
about them, doesn’t it?
Blood Very Well May Be Thicker...
I believe the original Norma/Norman relationship depicted in Psycho IV
was abusive and anything but consanguinamorous. That version of Norma
was vicious, unpredictable, manipulative, mentally unstable, and
possibly even sexually abusive towards 15-year-old Norman. We see one
scene that suggests this, and we can only use our imaginations for those
scenes behind closed doors we didn’t get to see in this version of
their story. Even if what she did to him didn’t qualify as
non-consensual incestuous abuse, she was still verbally and sometimes
physically abusive in a way that would’ve warranted a CPS inquiry today.
The Norma in “Bates Motel” may not be perfect, but I believe she’s
anything but abusive towards Norman. She’s controlling and emotionally
demanding, but she loves him so much that she’d never deliberately do
anything to hurt him. They have plenty of times where they can’t seem to
live with or without each other, especially towards the end of season
2, and this says a lot on its own. No two people get this intensely
emotionally tangled up with each other without love being the driving
factor. And let’s look honestly at it: this is not parental/familial
love, as much as we’d sometimes like to pretend it is due to our own
discomfort. There’s no way these two would have the levels of drama
between each other if this kind of love/attraction wasn’t running just
under the surface, sometimes barely contained. The opposites would be
indifference and nonchalance, and I have yet to ever see those enter
Norma’s or Norman’s words and actions towards each other.
Want proof? Look at the intensity of the fighting and conflict between them. “Meltdown”
is a perfect example. When they have less-than-platonic feelings
towards each other, the way any two people get in fights with each other
is extremely revealing. It says more than the rather intimate,
lingering physical affection these two have over and over throughout the
series.
With this growing evidence, I’m putting forth the hypothesis that
what Norma and Norman feel for each other qualifies more as
consanguinamory than incest as the law would define it. It’s been
implied increasingly overtly in the first two seasons, and it’s way
beyond implied in some corners of fanfiction land. My personal favorite:
a story called “This Much Madness.” It’s harrowing and beautifully
written. If you’re curious, go search FanFiction.net for it; it’ll come
up. Is their relationship going to escalate further? What might this
mean for the direction the show might take? And possibly the most
important: how are we the audience going to react? Regardless of our
reactions, I’d put money on the fact we still won’t be able to tear our
eyes away.
The Big Question
Do I condone these kinds of consensual relationships? That question
has caused me more sleepless nights than I care to count. The honest
answer: I don’t know. I have come to understand the
points of view those who do condone and support them, as limited as my
understanding can be as an outsider. Those might seem like the same
ideas and “yes” answers, but in reality they’re two very different
things. It’s been quite a challenge to wrap my head around–the fact that
these forbidden, taboo forms of romantic love REALLY DO exist, and
what’s more: some of the stories of them I’ve gotten to read have been
very moving.
It’s a lot to undo when you’ve been mentally programmed your whole
life to believe these relationships are vile, evil, disgusting,
destructive, criminal, etc., in every single last instance of them. But
to paraphrase from Sexpressed,
what’s disgusting to you is not disgusting to them. I’ve come to think
my “Matrix” comparison at the opening of this article wasn’t too far off
the mark. I truly feel like I have been “unplugged” when it comes to
views of consanguinamory and GSA. There really is no going back.
I have learned that “incest” is too loaded of a word and does not
allow for intelligent, educated discussion on this subject that’s still
so controversial that even most academics won’t touch it. So I’ve struck
it from my vocabulary when it pertains to consensual intimate
relationships between legal adults who happen to be biologically
related. I’ve come to the conclusion that the two leads in Bates Motel
give us a look through the window at a consanguinamorous
relationship–one of the most taboo ones: mother/son. The fact this
relationship is wrapped up in madness, violence and murder is a tragedy
that’s nothing less than Shakespearian as far as I’m concerned.
The ultimate lesson I’ve taken away from all this: Before you
condemn, judge, and make all the “ick!” exclamations, take the time to
educate yourself and to think. We don’t live in an “either-or”,
“black-or-white” world. And it would be a more enlightened and
compassionate world if we did make the time for that.
Sources:
An Absolute Must-Read: The Final Manifesto:
A fantastic blog full of information, resources, current events about
real-life couples and the struggles they face, and much more.
I highly recommend this post in particular: A Follower Asked Me a Question and I Answered. It’s very thorough in its explanations/arguments and likely to blow apart a lot of rationalizations about what’s “wrong.”
Also: Consensual Incest Never Happens? Many of these links are 18+ and NSFW, but all the same they’re eye-opening.
http://www.thestar.com.my/story/?file=%2f2008%2f5%2f5%2flifefocus%2f20900821&sec=lifefocus Very thorough and informative feature on the incest taboo, by journalist Allan Koay. Recommended.
http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/consensual-incest-faq.html
http://dianerinellaauthor.com/unjust-crime/
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/01/what-its-like-to-date-your-dad.html
http://www.sexpressed.com/ethical-incest/?ao_confirm
http://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2003/may/17/weekend7.weekend2
This is what I said in response:
And this is her wonderful reply:
