Two Women Still Denied Their Right to Marry
From Full Marriage Equality:
"Bean": I am a female artist in my mid-20s, who grew up in the conservative west. [...] I am a bisexual, or perhaps more
accurately, a lesbian with some heterosexual tendencies. I am a woman
with a fair balance of masculine and feminine tendencies; some days I’m
very feminine, other days I’m just one of the guys.
[...] I had a fairly unique upbringing. There
were aspects of my childhood that were typical of most, but the biggest
difference was that I was a secret for the larger portion of my
childhood. This had several effects on my life. I was the result of an
affair my father had with my mother (he was cheating on the mother of my
sister, and one of my brothers). Rather than come clean, my father and
mother both decided that the best solution at the time was to raise me
in secret and separately from my siblings. He would come to see me now
and then, but only under certain circumstances. No one from the family
even knew of my existence until I was about 10-12 years old, but I knew
about them from a very young age. It’s one thing having secrets. It’s a
completely different ballgame to be a secret yourself. [...]
"Tortilla": Bean is my half-sister, but I don’t call her that. I call her my sister. Half is good enough to be full! [...] I am ten years older than Bean. I actually
went to law school, so it’s ironic to me to be a lawyer who is breaking
the law with her relationship. [...] I am not married, but I am in a nine-year
long relationship with my boyfriend in addition to my newer relationship
with my sister. My boyfriend and I never planned to marry, and marriage
has always been something that is not important for me personally. But I
think people who are consenting adults who love each other should be
able to declare their family unit legally.
[...] I am bisexual, and have realized that
since high school, although I have memories going back to kindergarten
of being attracted to girls in addition to boys. I believe more in
spectrum sexuality than categorical sexuality, and my sense is that most
people are somewhere in the middle rather than exactly at either end of
the spectrum. [...] I also see the masculine and feminine as a
spectrum, and I’d put myself somewhere in the middle of that spectrum
as well. [...] I definitely consider myself a
woman, but I often identify with gender norms of men more often than
women. As for relationship orientation, I consider myself monogamous as
my natural inclination. However, I cannot avoid the reality that I have
two partners: my boyfriend and my sister. So I am acting in a
polyamorous relationship, although I identify as monogamous.
[...] [W]hen Bean turned 18 or 19, I started to
think more about her and wondered about where she was in life and what
she was like. I decided to write her a letter letting her know that I
wanted to get to know my sister, and that there were no personal hard
feelings against her for what our dad had done. I invited her to reach
out when she felt ready to do so. [...]
"Bean": About a year and a half passed, and I
finally was prompted that I needed to respond to her letter. I sent a
reply, then also sent an email to an address that she gave with her
letter, to let her know that I’d sent one back. [...] I didn’t expect a response, but to my
surprise, she wrote back less than two hours later. And to my even
greater surprise, she happened to be visiting town that very week. It
was very surreal. We made a time to meet up at the end of the week for
lunch, which turned into a whole day event. We both connected so fast
and so intensely from the moment we saw each other, we didn’t want to
let each other go. It was honestly one of the best days of my life. I
was just so thrilled to have my sister, and that she was so wonderful
and so like me in ways I never anticipated.
[...] I
loved everything about her: she was so smart and witty, she understood
and mirrored my humor in ways that no one else ever had, she was
beautiful and suave, kind, understanding, non-judgmental of me, caring,
invested. Everything I could ever possibly want in a sister, in a best
friend, and in a lover, I began to slowly realize. [...] It was this trust and intimacy; combined with the years of
longing to belong with her, and the recognition of our souls with each
other, that gradually turned into feelings more than sisters.
About
three months into our relationship, I came to visit her for a month.
The beginning of the visit was still fairly “normal”, although both of
our feelings had risen in intensity on either side. About a week in,
though, it had become pretty apparent to both of us that the other had
the same feelings. But we were both still afraid and too ashamed to say
them.
We had gone on a walk to the park one particular night. We
sat on the swings together and both talked and enjoyed the silences. But
there was a weighted feeling between us, of words that weren’t being
said. As we sat on the swings, we watched a shooting star fall across
the sky. Both of us made a wish to ourselves. I’d come to find out
later, that she had wished to not do anything to ruin the relationship
we were building; that she would have enough self-control to not kiss
me. I had simply wished to be with her forever.
She had been
staying with me in my room during my visit, so we could stay up later
and talk until we fell asleep, using every possible second we could to
be together. It was normal by this point for us to cuddle and be
otherwise physically affectionate, but only just on this side of the
line between sisterly affection and romantic touch. But this night was
filled with a lot of emotional tension, and we both could see where it
was going. I loved being next to her, smelling her and feeling her so
close beside me. I began to tickle her skin and rub her back, like I had
done nights previously. But this time, she whispered, “What do you want
from me?” I didn’t know what to say, but I knew what I wanted. But I
was too scared to say it first. I encouraged her to say what was on her
mind. Reluctantly, she finally confessed that she had those feelings for
me.
I was both thrilled inside that I was not alone in my
feelings, but also terrified because I had no idea what to do from
there. I was afraid of my feelings. She leaned in and kissed me, and at
first I was motionless, paralyzed between choices. Then I slowly
returned the kiss, but Tortilla had already felt like I’d rejected her
and rolled away from me and began to cry. I reached for her and held her
close and whispered I was so sorry; I didn’t want to hurt her.
The
next night we lay there just as before, and eventually she turned to me
again, and we kissed - slowly at first, and then with more intent. We
ended up making love for the first time that night. It’s still so
memorable to me. I held her close and ran my fingers through her hair,
whispering softly to her, smelling her sweet scent and just feeling so
close and so much love. It was beautiful. I had never before felt so
connected in every possible way to someone. It’s really not something
you can describe. You have to experience it to know what it means to
really love someone in this way. [...]
"Tortilla": Now the fact that our relationship began
as an affair kept secret from my boyfriend for several months is a
separate matter. In that sense, what we did was morally wrong. I owed my
boyfriend the right to know about it and have a say in whether he found
the situation acceptable. I betrayed his trust in acting before talking
about it with him. But at the time I also felt like I was so driven
that I couldn’t not be sexual, and so unable to talk about such a taboo
thing with someone who I did desire to maintain my long-term
relationship with. When we did ultimately come clean to him, together,
it was somewhat surprising to learn that he was not at all shocked or
repelled by the incest aspect. He was terribly hurt by the secret
aspect, and it took a long time to work through that. And also to come
to terms with the concept of transitioning from a monogamous
relationship to a family unit that included some polyamorous overtones.
He has actually adjusted extremely well and is absolutely supportive of
mine and Bean’s relationship.
[...] We are three roles actually: sister, best
friend, and lover/partner in all things. It’s not that those things are
necessarily distinct, but there are different aspects to our
relationship that are fed by each of those relational elements, and we
would not have as complete and fulfilling a relationship were it not for
all three facets. I tried to remove the romantic aspect at one point,
breaking things off with Bean, and it was a terribly hard time. I
realized and learned the hard way that we can’t excise part of who we
are to each other. We just are those things. Luckily, she agreed to take
me back and leave her new girlfriend behind for me.
[...] We have people who are in the know, and
people who are on deck to know, and people who maybe never will know.
Boyfriend was the first to know, of course. And in the beginning I think
we felt that we’d have to keep it secret. But there is a huge burden to
being secretive. This is something Bean knows firsthand, because her
existence was secret in the beginning, and she lived with the stress and
burden of that for a long time. It made her question her reality, her
actual existence in a way. Can you imagine that? Questioning whether you
are real because of how others are allowed to know you? This is why a
closeted existence is something no one should have to put up with.
But
we recognize that it is simply not safe to be completely open. I have
told one of my close friends, who is completely supportive and
nonjudgmental; not even shocked in the least. Bean has told a handful of
her friends, some of whom I would consider friends myself. It is nice
to be able to be around those people and completely be ourselves.
Boyfriend has some polyamorous friends in our hometown who have also
been let in on the secret, and they don’t care in the least. So far no
one that we have told has reacted negatively, although I imagine we
can’t bat 1000 forever.
There are maybe a few more people that
she could tell than me because her background is to be surrounded by
more bohemian type people who tend to be very open and nontraditional. I
have a lot of professional concerns to protect against. My professional
reputation could be irrevocably damaged if people were to find out
about my true relationship life, even though we are loving and cause no
one harm. It’s a reality. So I am being more selective about who I will
tell so far. I have a few people in mind, but telling is hard when you
love someone and want them to keep loving you and fear they may not. I
don’t think we plan to tell any family members, although there are some
who may be able to accept it. [...]
"Bean": It does hurt me when I am not able to
fully express my relationship with my sister to others. [...] It’s especially hard when I can
see that she and her boyfriend, just by nature of being an unrelated
female and male, can act any way they want to with each other in public.
They can be as open or as closed as they please. That freedom is
something I desperately want to have. And when we are with family or
unknowing friends, that is also very tough. They are automatically
“paired off” with each other, and I feel like the dorky tag-along little
sister who others think can never quite get her life together. It’s a
tough situation to be in sometimes, and sometimes the jealousy is really
hard to deal with. But it’s a sacrifice I make, because having what we
have together is so much better than what we’d have without each other.
[...] I think it’s completely ridiculous that
anyone thinks they have the right to tell consenting adults whom they
can and cannot love. Who you love is no one’s right but your own. I
would think members of the LGBT community would be especially
understanding of this, but surprisingly, that’s not always the case. I
would say, don’t judge something that you don’t understand and have
never experienced. Don’t infringe on other’s right to love in a
consenting, safe way. It doesn’t affect you, and it doesn’t concern
you. Love is love. As long as it’s safe, healthy, and consensual, it
shouldn’t matter who it is or how it happened.
[...] I’d marry her yesterday. In all
seriousness, Tortilla is my soulmate. She is my partner in all things. I
want to be her wife. My wish on that star? Still holds true. I just
want to be with her forever.
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