It Can Happen to You, Too

Many people can hold prejudice against consanguinamorous couples because they think their parents never did it, or that they'd never do it themselves. You can never be sure about either.

[...] [I]mage how Valerie Spruill felt when she discovered that her husband and her father are the same person. [...] Now retired, she worked for 34 years in the accounting department at Goodyear. She has three kids and eight grandkids.

[...] The man in question, Percy Spruill, died in April 1998 at the age of 60. Born in Mississippi, he worked in Akron as a truck driver and, later, as a parking-lot attendant at Morley Health Center. [...] He and Valerie’s mother hooked up when he was only 15. [...] Although Valerie says she is not 100 percent certain he knew, because he never talked about it, she strongly believes he was aware of the taboo he had committed but was simply afraid to tell her.

It can happen to you. If you support laws against consensual sex with a relative, then those laws might be used against you one day.

Discovering Consanguinamory in the Family Tree

From Full Marriage Equality:

I am [or, had been] active on [a certain Big Online Portal’s question and answer service], especially when it comes to explaining the importance of relationship rights, full marriage equality, and decriminalizing consanguinamory. Someone hadthis question…

Family Tree Concerns..? 

My Grandfather recently passed away and my Grandmother told us all that her and my Grandfather were never married, they had always celebrated an anniversary (or so we thought,) but didn’t understand while she waited till he died before telling us. After further research into my family tree I have discovered that my Grandmother married her Uncle (is this incest!?!), my Mother feels all weird because it feels like her life has been a lie and the only person she could have asked and got a proper answer was her Dad but now he’s gone so we are both just looking for some advice or if anyone has been or is going through a similar situation…

This was my answer, which was chosen as the best answer  (thankyouverymuch)…

Here’s what matters: Was your grandfather a good person? A good spouse to your Grandmother? A good parent? A good grandparent? THAT is what matters, not any genetic or legal relation to your grandmother. There’s no lie about any of that. Your mother’s life is no different now than it was before she knew that information. She’s just allowing cultural prejudices to influence her reaction. Your grandparents had what is called a common-law marriage. As long as they were good to each other, that is what matters. 

You didn’t make it clear, but it appears you mean your grandfather was the brother of one of your grandmother’s parents (he would still be an “uncle” to her if he had, at one time, been married to one of your grandmother’s parents’ sister without any biological relation to your grandmother). Assuming there was a genetic connection (though it is possible he had been adopted into the family, too), that is still no reason for alarm. This is much more common than people think. People are finding out about this through DNA testing and family records, although family records don’t always reveal the truth. If you go back further, it is virtually guaranteed you’ll find you have consanguineous ancestors. 

You don’t have to go too far back in anyone’s family tree to find these kinds of things. I doubt there is a person out there whose ancestry has nothing like this. 

In other words…. you and your family are as normal as everyone else.

Just about everyone has incestuous childbearing in their family tree. In some cases, someone was raped, which of course is a horrible [crime], or there was cheating. In other cases, it was true love between people who were not cheating on anyone. If the law prevented them from legally marrying or from telling the truth, that is a problem, a terrible problem, of the law, and just one of many reasons we need full marriage equality. It is not something wrong with the lovers.

The Powerful Do As They Please While the Powerless Conform

One of the previous paramount chiefs, Purayasi, was known to have lived with his sister; and another one, Numakala, is also strongly suspected by history of this felony. [...] [T]here can be no doubt that with them, as with so many other dynasties and famous rulers, the feeling of power, of being above the law, served as a shield from the usual penalties. And, as historical figures, they and their doing would not so easily lapse into oblivion as in the case of commoners.

 - Bronislaw Malinowski

Once again, we see that historically only the powerful were allowed to be in the kinds of relationships they wanted. The common person remained under the thumb of laws and social strictures. The same was true for same-sex marriages in the Roman Empire, where the few cases known are of powerful men (e.g. Emperor Nero). Throughout history, it is only the powerful who live free, only the powerful who receive justice. Why should that continue?

"Our Secret Love"

From Diane Rinella:

This poem was written by a very dear friend, who also happens to be a Friend of Lily [a.k.a. a consanguinamorous person]. Warning, get the tissues, because I tear up just a few lines in.
It has been posted by permission.

OUR SECRET LOVE

I had this wonderful love for the taking,
I tried to ignore it,
but my heart was breaking.
After 38 years he came into my life,
He was everything I wanted, Caring, Loving,
he was my knight in shining armour,
but there was just one thing,
If we went on this journey,
Society would think it was a sin.
We made that leap
as we couldn’t live without each other,
Our love is pure,
it’s totally amazing,
Our souls are joined together,
our love will last forever.
His touch is electrifying,
His kiss sends shivers,
He looks in my eyes,
he can see my soul,
After all these years,
he’s filled my heart that had a hole.
For such a powerful love, so intense,
that causes Goosebumps and seeps in our
    pores
This love is not for everyone
so we have to hide it behind closed doors.
It’s because the ignorance of some people,
and the society we fear,
Our love has to be hidden,
and for these people I shed a silent tear,
To be so closed minded and the nasty names
    you use,
so our love for each other you totally refuse.

Open your eyes,
feel in your heart,
are we really hurting you?
Yet you still want us apart.

GSA is the word we’ve been given,
No, it doesn’t mean we are weirdo’s perverts
    or freaks
and were not asking to be forgiven.
For we have done nothing wrong,
just because our love is so strong.
We [were] torn apart
when we [were] very young
by our Mother,
my secret love,
reunited again,
my brother.

Standing outside,
I fear you all,
we cannot show our true love out there,
because the world can be so cruel.
No we are not ashamed,
but because of society, outside we are tamed.
He takes my hand
and we close our door,
We smile to each other
because within these walls
we can be true lovers.

I love him with all my heart and soul,
and with everything I have,
For our reunion every day
I thank the lord above,
We will always have our secret love…

Zimbabwe Sending Consenting Adults to Jail

From Full Marriage Equality:

The pair [of siblings] was caught red handed in the act by another family member before they were taken to the police. [...] Tendai, 30 and Nyaradzai, 22, of Zengeni family were brought before Mbare Magistrates’ court answering to a charge of having sexual intercourse within a prohibited degree of relationship.

[...] In passing sentence, the Magistrate described the pair as lovers in a serious relationship who had not repented after they were caught red handed in December last year. Their conduct has proved that they can not change thus they need a custodial sentence so that they are separated from each other. Although they came clean and pleaded guilty, the Magistrate slapped them with 24 months imprisonment, 12 months were then suspended conditional they do not commit the same offence in five years.

[...] All hell broke loose when they were caught red handed caressing each other on May 17 at around 10pm. Upon realising that they were under fire from family members, they ran away from the house and began to stay at a friend’s house in Hatfield. In an effort to stop the relationship, the family members followed them and the prohibited love-birds confessed that they were having an affair leading to their arrest.

Another one to add to my list.

They're Everywhere, And They're Being Arrested

This is what came up from the first few pages of a Google search for "incest couple Zimbabwe," and they're all just from the past few years.

1. [A] Domboshava man and his biological mother are reportedly on the run after having an incestuous relationship that culminated in two pregnancies.
2. Mother and Son begin 3 year jail term for incestuous love affair
3. Incestuous Couple To Perform 630 Hours Community Service
4. A Plumtree man Coaster Sibanda (25) has been sentenced to 280 hours community service for impregnating his cousin with whom he now has a three week old baby.
5. Serenje incest couple arrested
6. Harare Man (21) Marries Blood Sister (19) and Impregnates Her Twice
7. Gokwe man impregnates, marries sister
8. A Mt Darwin brother and sister were last week ordered to perform 260 hours of community service after engaging in an incestuous relationship that culminated in a pregnancy.
9. Mother, 40, is expecting a baby with her fiancé son
10. Mbare brother and sister jailed one year over incestuous love affair
11. 210 hours of community service for incest
12. Married Woman Caught In Incestuous Relationship With Brother
13. Cousins caught committing incest paraded nude in Edo community
14. Mother catches son and daughter having sex
15. Incest couple appear for mention
16. Woman admits to becoming pregnant by her brother after being threatened with a machete

"The Limits of Lawrence - Consensual Adult Incest"

The Volokh Conspiracy discusses a ruling upholding the use of "incest" laws against sexual relations between consenting adult step-family:

After the Supreme Court declared Texas' anti-sodomy law unconstitutional in Lawrence v. Texas, there was substantial speculation about the implications of the decision for other laws targeting consensual sexual activity among adults. If state prohibition on consensual homosexual activity was unconstitutional, some reasoned, then it might be difficult to maintain state prohibitions on incest, at least among consenting adults. Not so, ruled the Ohio Supreme Court earlier this week.

In State v. Lowe, the Ohio Supreme Court considered the constitutionality of the state's prohibition on incest as applied to consensual sexual relations between a step-father and his adult step-daughter. After first concluding that the statute, by its terms, applied to adults as well as children, a six-justice majority rejected the defendant's constitutional challenge, concluding that the statutory prohibition passed muster under the rational basis test because the state has a legitimate interest in prohibiting sexual relations between relatives, even those related by law rather than blood.

Lowe cites Lawrence v. Texas to argue that he has a constitutionally protected liberty interest to engage in private, consensual, adult sexual conduct with his stepdaughter when that activity does not involve minors or persons who may be easily injured or coerced. In Lawrence, a Texas statute criminalizing homosexual conduct was held to be unconstitutional as applied to adult males who had engaged in private and consensual acts of sodomy. Lowe contends that Lawrence named a new fundamental right to engage in consensual sex in the privacy of one's home.

However, the statute in Lawrence was subjected to a rational-basis rather than a strict-scrutiny test, with the court concluding that the Texas statute furthered no legitimate state interest that could justify intrusion into an individual's personal and private life. In using a rational-basis test to strike down the Texas statute, the court declined to announce a new fundamental right arising from the case.

In addition to emphasizing that the court in using a rational-basis test did not name a new fundamental right, the state in this case distinguishes Lawrence as being limited to consensual sexual conduct between unrelated adults. Lowe and his stepdaughter were not unrelated. The state argues that since Lowe has no fundamental right in this case, and the state has a legitimate interest in prohibiting incestuous relations and in protecting the family unit and family relationships, the rational-basis test should apply. . . .

We agree with the state that a rational-basis test should be used to analyze the statute. Lawrence did not announce a "fundamental" right to all consensual adult sexual activity, let alone consensual sex with one's adult children or stepchildren. Because Lowe's claimed liberty interest in sexual activity with his stepdaughter is not a fundamental right, the statute affecting it need only have a reasonable relationship to some legitimate governmental interest. . . .
. . . as applied in this case, [the statute] bears a rational relationship to the legitimate state interest in protecting the family, because it reasonably advances its goal of protection of the family unit from the destructive influence of sexual relationships between parents or stepparents and their children or stepchildren. If Lowe divorced his wife and no longer was a stepparent to his wife's daughter, the stepparent-stepchild relationship would be dissolved. The statute would no longer apply in that case.

Justice Pfeifer was the lone dissenter. He argued that the true purpose of the statute was to protect children, not prohibit consensual sexual activity between adults who lack any blood relationship. He also speculated that the only interest this application actually serves is providing the state with a "shortcut to conviction," because the statute provides "a strict-liability, slam-dunk sex offense that does not allow the defendant to present any evidence regarding the consent of the victim." "This sort of use of the statute demeans its true purpose," Pfeifer wrote. 

Key to the majority's ruling was its conclusion that Lawrence failed to announce a fundamental right or apply heightened scrutiny, making it easier to sustain other state laws governing consensual sexual activity. This interpretation makes Lawrence a less significant decision as it limits the "threat" Lawrence poses to other state efforts to regulate morality and makes Lawrence a much less effective weapon against the criminalization of victimless crimes.

When Open Arms Have a Hidden Knife

From Full Marriage Equality:

A woman (whose interview is linked on this page), in responding to the conversation I published, had this to say about her experience in dealing with family members’ reactions to her spousal-style relationship with her genetic brother...

This is just from my experience. But our mum for over a year hinted she knew about me and my brother...At one point she got into a conversation with me about an article she'd read about GSA and that she totally understood it. We still denied it. Then, one day, she phoned my brother and asked outright. Said she would understand and support us. 

That was nearly two years ago. She hasn't spoken to us since.

She told other family members we were disgusting. Her loss. Didn't have her in my life for [decades] so no loss for me. But she brought my brother up and it’s him I feel for. Gotta say though, two of my sisters and a brother are totally cool with it. But as they say, they didn't know me until later in life so they see me more as an in-law. 

At the start of my GSA relationship I was so frustrated because I was so happy in love and felt like bursting and shouting from the roof tops “I'm in love!” Experience has taught me to keep quiet and deny. I even had a girl at work come straight out and ask. She said she'd totally understand. But I've seen what the truth can do. It would be nice to confide in her, but I just don't trust.

A Man From Kindred Spirits

A man involved for almost two decades with his mother recently posted about his story on Kindred Spirits. (If you decide to join, follow the rules. They're simple, but strictly enforced.) I've been exchanging messages with him, and he gave me permission to post his story.

One of the things I'd like to point out, going in, is how when society and the government force people into the closet, it doesn't necessarily change their behavior, but just makes them more secretive. The best that can be expected is that they're forced to live a lie in fake marriages. When those marriages fall apart, it hurts everyone involved. Forcing homosexuals to marry the opposite sex will just cause increased angst for all the heterosexuals unknowingly marrying them.

Similarly, when consanguinamorous people marry to meet social expectations or throw off suspicion, they frequently end up cheating on their spouses, and eventually divorcing. These kinds of sham marriages are probably not what "family values" "conservatives" have in mind when they're promoting "traditional marriage", but they're the inevitable result.

My mother and I have been in a sexual relationship going on 15 years now [...]. At the time my step father was dying of cancer, and my mother was in a very lonely, dark place.

A woman struggling with shame and ridicule

From Full Marriage Equality's comments:

im currently struggling in GSA.. my nephew and i are in the same age. we grew up separately because my brother and his mom were separated.. since we were a kid, i knew i was attracted to him.. im happy when he is around but i dont talked to him much because im afraid he might notice that im attracted to him..

we were in highscool when he had his summer with us.. we were both grown ups, and there goes my feelings again.. i thought i would just ignore him again.. but he seems so interested talking to me.. he even got my number and we talked to each other as much as possible.. it was then when he admitted that he loves me and so i also admitted to him that i feel the same.. but im so afraid that my family might know about us so i stop talking to him which makes him sad and avoided me eventually.

i decided to share it with my sister to seek advice.. but she didnt understands me and worst she told everyone in the family about that.. i was merely moved on.. i had a family of my own and have a child at my young age, but we separated in just few months and raise my child alone. i thought i would never ever fall for anyone again.. until he came back, my nephew..

my heart was filled with happiness when i saw him again.. he stayed for three weeks for vacation and we were un separable, we got every chances we had to show how much we mean to each other.. we were like a couple.. my family warned me so we did it discreetly.. and when he was about to leave he told me that he is living with a girl and it almost breaks me.. all our sweet memories were replaced by sadness.. and he felt bad about that.. but he wants me to go with him and he will leave his girl..

but i cant, i cant leave my one year old son.. and im afraid.. we might lose our family, and there is no turning back if we will do that.. but i cant bear the thought of him sleeping with a girl.. please help me i need advice, how can i make this relationship successful...