A Polyamorous Mother Denied Her Rights

From Full Marriage Equality:

I'm a college educated demisexual bi-romantic white cis-woman in her 30s. I work in education. […] I live on the west coast in a house with H and W and our children, G and B. H is a grad-level educated cishet Latino man in his mid 30s. He’s a scientist, who loves to read, hike, bike and other random outdoors activities. W is in his mid-twenties, is a white cis male who is bi-romantic and mostly heterosexual.

[...] H and I are legally married, and have been for about a decade and a half…together for longer. W has never been legally attached to anyone (although we have power of attorney papers) and M (H’s white cishet girlfriend) has also never been married or legally partnered. W short-hands our relationship as married, though… and we’ve talked about how nice having some sort of ceremony would be.

[...] H and I have two biological children (a tween girl, G, and an elementary school aged boy, B). They live with H, W and myself,  and spend some nights with H and M at her place. Neither W nor M has kids, bit W wants one, and we’re open to that (although I cannot have more biological children). G and B know that all three adults in the home are their parents and W is their legal guardian… We’ve discussed a legal 3rd parent adoption at some point in the future.

[...] I think of our relationship as a V… and then H has M and W is looking for his other. For me, the three of us are the central relationship. H thinks of it as an N, and it will eventually end up an M if W finds his other partner and H and M work out.  In my mind, though, the three of us are life partners (kids, lifelong promises and financial entanglements… plus the shared living arrangements).

[...] It started, in short, because W (who we knew was poly) was living with us and fell for me… he told H, and we started talking about what that meant. We’d had a rather in-depth discussion about it before, due to the fact that I’m bi-romantic and had crushed on a female friend, but this was much more in-depth. Once it was clear I was falling in love with W, we found a poly-friendly therapist, re-read some literature, and started moving, slowly, in this direction. It took months to get to where H was comfortable with us kissing, and then with other non-sexual specific shows of affection… and then things took a turn when he became interested in M. Eventually, we all started this journey (albeit tentatively)… and then W decided he never wanted to leave us, our kids or our home. I asked him, with a ring and everything, if he’d stay with me… proposal style. He said yes, and that’s where we are.

We’re relatively closed (H and I only have our one other partner) and w is a stickler for tests and safe sex if he gets to that point with other people he’s dating. He’s looking for one other life-partner. M is casually dating but not having sex with other people at this point.

[...] I was aware [of polyamory], and had done some reading, as we’d had families in poly configurations near us, spent some time with them, and developed a group of friends who were largely poly. I find the way it is practiced among many people to be a turn-off to me (casual sex generally is, due to my demi-sexuality and my cautious nature) but that is their choice. The larger-family-building option has seemed like a much better fit for us.

[...] We’ve told W’s mother, a few close friends of mine (most if whom are poly), H’s best friend and our housemates. W is honest with the people he dates, and M tells lots of people (her friends, mother, work friends…).  We’re going to tell H’s brother when we see him next month, and I might tell mine, but we’re generally pretty tight lipped about it, since it would destroy the relationships we have with our parents (which are tenuous anyway…but the kids love their grandparents). G has figured it out (in a “H and M, sitting in a tree…” kind of way) and we’ve had to explain to her how that’s not information for the general public (and why). Just the suspicion of it has brought child services into our home, and I’d like to avoid that in the future.

And yes, child protective services has actually come to our home because someone suspected us of living in “an atypical arrangement that may be harmful to our children.” If that isn’t discriminatory, I don’t know what is.

[...] [I have to lie], bald-faced, to my friends, to family I care about, to the less open minded parts of W’s family… it sucks. I’d love to put W on my health insurance. I’d love to have it just be seen as something simple… and not seen as problematic that I want to go to the doctor with him or do banking things or have him pick up the kids.

The advantages are endless. The kids have more people who love them, we can tap out. W can be a stay at home parent with a 5 hour a week job and full time school… and still have 2 other incomes to rely upon. I don’t have to pay a nanny. I’m learning new things about sex, relationships and me. About H. W’s mom gets a daughter-in-law, I have a mother in law who likes me. The kids get extra grandparents, and M… who does stuff with them I never have time for. H and M have very compatible sex drives… I feel more cared for.

[...] If there’s a poly relationship that strikes me as abusive, I’ll make sure it’s the abuse I take issue with, not the nonmonogamy (and voice that specifically) and if it is something that just strikes me as uncomfortable,  I’ll say that, too (“this isn’t something I would do for X and Y reasons? But it seems to be working for them, and if it does or doesn’t,  that’s up to them to decide. They’re adults.”).

As to the arguments against it based on scurrilous accusations: H is as strong a man as I know, and I am a VERY strong and independent woman. We dated for years before we wed, and married as virgins, so I’m not about to be convinced we have no self control, and the two decades of monogamy are also evidence of that […].  Agreeing to treat your spouse like your friend and partner, to meet their needs and grow with them down a hard road? That’s not weakness… it can’t be.

[...] In relation to the paperwork: since you can claim as many minor children on your taxes (or adult disabled children or adult children in college or elderly disabled parents or…) the rules could be adjusted to allow for the claiming of more than one spouse. As long as, like with current rules, you aren’t a dependent on more than one person’s form, it shouldn’t upset the balance of the entire system. Insurance companies could work the same (although single payer takes care of that mess) by letting you pay to add an extra adult family member (spouse or parent or sibling).

[...] I, personally, hope my children grow up highly valuing sex and romantic relationships. I’ll be, personally, saddened if they take a widely casual view of sex, but that’s MY issue, and I own it.  I want them to be smart about who they choose to entangle their lives with, be protected (from disease, from pregnancy, from unnecessary heart-break, from hurting others, from dishonesty, from unclear communication, from abusive relationships, from financial problems due to any of the above, etc) and I want them to know that love is an important and, sometimes, destructive force that should be handled wisely… regardless of the number of partners they have.