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Thursday, May 7, 2015

A Complicated Situation

This was an exchange on Tumblr. It is exactly the kind of situation that modern society imposes on people. None of them should even be in this situation, but society forces them to make sacrifices they shouldn't have to make.

I have a question, if that's okay. My partner and I are just starting out as poly and he wants to have a relationship with his sister and myself. I've know about their relationship before but it sounded more like it was experimental teen stuff but it turns out he really loves her, and I don’t want to stop him from being with his sister, but she doesn’t really want to be poly. For their happiness, should I let them be a couple? I just really love him, it’s been hard even accepting it.
This is a tough situation. While poly works for some its definitely not for all. It sounds like in your situation it wouldn't work well. It seems like he wants to be poly because he wants to be with you but also with his sister. You want to be with him and are willing to go with it for him, and she wants him all to herself. There is nothing wrong with the 2 of them together, but for most people it is hard to wrap their head around the reality of siblings together. But as for the problem at hand, the only one who seems like they win in the situation is him, you feel like you need to back off, she wants him to herself, neither of you would be happy with the situation. Sounds like he needs to make a decision.
100%. It’s his responsibility to sort things out and figure out what he actually wants. I would bet that he also likes the idea of having an official, “acceptable” girlfriend that he can show to his parents and take places, while still being able to be together with his sister. If so, that’s incredibly unfair to both of them. If he wants to be with his sister, he should be willing to make the sacrifices that she’d have to make to be with him.
Ideally, people should be free to consent with understanding of what is going on. A polyamorous relationship in which your metamour is your lover’s relative almost always means your bond will not be as strong. I know this from personal experience, but the important thing is that I was willing. Some people, including experienced polyamorous people, do not want to be in that situation and that’s OK. It is OK to say “this won’t or doesn’t work for me.” Either way, it is a matter of what you need and what you have to offer.

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